Screeeeeeech!!!!!!!

I knew my days were numbered because the holidays are quickly approaching. Everytime the phone rings I imagine that it is Mommy Inlaw Dearest on the other end. And it is NEVER when she KNOWS her son will be here. So last night the phone rang, I saw it was her, I ignored it waiting to hear her annoying voice on the answering maching, when Karma took a big old walloping kick at my ass. My kid answered the phone!!! Holy shit. So I had to talk to her. Which really just makes me cringe and want to roll into a ball in the corner much like a wounded dog would. So while she babbled on and on and on about would be Thanksgiving day plans I searched for the nearest sharp knife to stab myself in the ears. Here is how the convo went:

Her: Hi! Just calling to find out if you had thought at all about your Thanksgiving plans this year. I didn't know what time "your family" would be getting together.

Me: My family will be out of town. (GOD I wish I were going with them)

Her: (MUCH TOO EXCITED) OH Really??? Well that is great! Then we'll see you at 3:00. And by the way we are having a Gluten free holiday. Because you know that your Sister in Law can't have gluten and well I want her to be able to enjoy the meal and all. You know it doesn't taste any different than regular food (this coming from the woman who uses powdered milk in practically everything), I don't think anyone will notice at all. She babbles on and on about everything and anything, tells me what all she is making and how she'll make it gluten free! And then basically lets me know that I am welcome to bring something to share (which she will conveniently forget to serve). Babble babble babble some more.

Finally amen, hallelujah the call is over.

The funny part is when hubby came home and I told him that his mom had called and that we were having a gluten free meal LOL!!!! He told me he'd rather lick a dog's ass and that we were bringing our own meal! OMG sometimes I want to fuck him right then and there! So now he is ordering our meal from a local restaurant, which we will be taking with us to the dinner. Not my plan although I am sure it will be blamed on me in the long run. But I can hardly wait to see the dust settle around this idea. Muahahahhaha!

Sybil-
getting myself medicated for the holidays

My Garmin is a 10-Yr-Old Bitch...Get Over It!!!

Ummm, I forgot I even DID this!!! I've had my Garmin GPS for a few years. On a road trip with some chics a couple of years ago the "lady voice" became so annoying and "smart ass" that we started calling her Camryn!! (That is the name of a brat/bitch that my daughter had in her 4th grade class......what can I say? My daughter is sweet...don't pick on her) . My Garmin voice lady has a voice that makes you want to slap her! (but it is just a computer and she wouldn't care).

This week I was using Camryn to find my way to a neighborhood home and my neighbor, K, was with me. I got frustrated and bitchy and said, "OH MY GOD CAMRYN...you are an idiot". K questioned me and I explained why I called the damn thing Camryn. She told me that was inappropriate...and said in that "you're funny...but not really" voice...."Oh My God...You Can't Be Serious". Ummm, yes i am serious. I could tell from that look in her eyes that she thought I had lost my mind.

FUCK IT. She really isn't going to approve of what I name my OnStar voice!......K! Ugggggh.

SUNNY

~with a chance of verbal abuse~

How Do You Like Me NOW???

I've got a little skip in my step this morning. What could have ended up as a miserable ride into work, turned into PURE, Toe-Curling Ecstasy (for me anyway). On the ride into work, I had a fuckin' nosey neighbor. I'm tapping away on my i-phone...looking at photos on Facebook, playing a few games, and texting some friends...I kept feeling my "seat neighbor" eyeballing me. I readjusted a few times, but it didn't stop him! He SUCKED at being inconspicuous! He was fuckin' trying to see everything I typed or looked at. I thought about giving him the "rude side glance", or a heavy-sigh-and-turn-the-phone-off move. But really...too lame. Instead, I decided to Google disgusting shit. OMG...that was so fun I hope I get to do it again soon.

I started with something simple...CANKER...and was so pleased with my results that I continued on with "Scabies", "Infection" and "Hemorrhoids". Simple words, yes...but google Images give it that added "umph" that you need when trying to fuck with a nosey asshole! And the coup d'etat that finally had the fucker changing his own seat position......"SMEGMA"!

SUNNY
~~with a chance of Smegma!

Twitter. The good, The bad, The lame and The stupid.

Tonight I popped onto Twitter to have a laugh at social media. Don't get me wrong, I love Twitter. I love the fact I can write nasty messages to a few famous people I think are fucking losers and the chances of them actually reading it are quite good. That is fucking awesome.

What is fucking lame is when you see someone is following you, you follow them back, and then they delete you.
Here's the scenario.

A fat loser that looks like he was the former lead singer of the band Tesla 22 yrs ago starts following you. You go to his page, he seems legit (albeit ugly) but he is a tiny bit funny and doesn't have 27,856 followers, making me believe he hasn't used those fucking follower generators so he looks famous in the "social media network". You follow him back...
Only for him to stop following you. As if you won't notice.

You pop onto http://www.friendorfollow.com/ for a little look-see. Guess what? Fat ugly Tesla dude totally ditched you! You click over to his page and see he's ditched A LOT of people, you know why? It's more than A LITTLE obvious he is following people to get followbacks to...
dun dun duuuuun....
Look popular.

Sweetheart, were you bullied in high school? Are you hated at the office? Do girls at the gym snicker at you? Is TWITTER really the place you want to play the popularity game? If so, you still fucking lose. Not only did I STOP following you, now I blocked your ass. Sometimes I even write a little message letting you know, that I know, that you are a fucking LOSER. So there. I still win.

Or how about when companies follow you and then stop? Like clothing shops, or shoes? HELLO? So the economy is that great you can pick and chose your customers? Because listen here, bitches, there's NO reason a shop shouldn't give the courtesy of a fucking follow back. PEOPLE WHO FOLLOW YOU ARE CUSTOMERS and more importantly, prospective customers! You don't want to give them a "thanks?" Do you think it makes your little biz-net look superior with your 956 followers and you only follow 12? Really?

Social Media is social networking. Yeah, NETWORKING. Which means communication goes TWO ways. If you aren't fucking Ashton Kutcher, I am not going to follow your lame ass without a followback.

And if you don't like swearing,
DON'T FUCKING FOLLOW IN THE FIRST PLACE.

Peace, Love and Vodka Shots.
Alice

Christmas...Really?

Yesterday I walked outside for a moment where I noticed my neighbor standing on the curb admiring her Christmas decor that she had begun to put up! Yep you read that right! Fucking Christmas decor!!!! She has like 10 trees she puts up every year, has a company come and install lights until it looks like I live across the street from an International Airport, and she is even puts one of those wreaths on the front of her car. I really think she needs to quit the crack!

So today I'll begin taking down the three decorations that I put up for Halloween. Oh who am I kidding, my kid found the shoebox that I keep them in and put them out for me. So it should take me about 35 seconds to shove them back into the box marked Halloween. I am not the mother that really gets into decorating for anything. I figure it just adds to the growing list of things to do that are already left undone. And while I can appreciate a well put together holiday home, it really isn't my bag.

So you can imagine how Christmas fucking scares me. I mean REALLY REALLY REALLY scares the crap out of me. I seriously almost have panic attacks starting in early October when Target thinks it is time to put out their Christmas displays. I want to like decorating, but I just can't. It doesn't help that everyone around me is passionate about the holidays(yeah I am talking about you, neighbor, who made the awesome haunted house in your entryway)!!!

I feel like to be a good mother, I should deck the halls with the best of them, but I am just not in the mood. Nor do I see myself getting in the mood this season. Last year I basically had the best excuse ever to not decorate. We were gone for Christmas. Hallelujah and Amen! I told my family that we wouldn't be putting our decorations out, because we wouldn't be there to even appreciate them. Whatever! It worked for me. But this year I don't have that excuse. So in a month or so, I will drag all of the freaking Christmas boxes up the stairs and get the same freaking ornaments out. I will play Christmas music while I curse under my breath and then I will go out and spend a bunch of money on crap that nobody really needs and feel sick about it. I freaking hate all of this. Maybe I should change my name to Scrooge! Pass me a drink!

Sybil

Mother in Law

So I have been avoiding my Mother in Law for 19 whole days now. It is amazing how much less stressful my life is when I don't have to see or talk to her. So the little one and I left this morning for some errands and come home to TWO freaking messages from the witch! Why do I have a feeling that she is going to start stalking me now. Oh yeah because she totally IS!

Hubster came home for lunch before he heads out of town today. We are sitting together and the phone rings again. I look at the Caller ID and see that it is her AGAIN, so I hand him the phone and tell him it is his mother. He looks at the caller ID, sets the phone down and proceeds to let it keep ringing. He doesn't want to talk to her either. Makes me feel so much less guilty for avoiding her to begin with. Besides now it is a sort of competition thing I have going on. It would be grand if I had until Thanksgiving off from her crazy. A girl can dream.

Sybil

WTF????

When what to my wandering eye should appear, but some fugly hammertoe creeping so near!

Really the only option for this person is to invest in:

a) years of make up pedis

b) Lots of close-toed shoes

c) probably some genetic testing would be a good idea!